Perhaps...

Last week I was sick. The, knock you down, flat on your back wish that you could be unconscious for it, kind of sick. The first day my body hurt so much, I tried to lie as still as possible since the slightest movement would send shooting pain over my skin and through my joints. Since I had nothing else to do, except lay there and think about how miserable I felt, I started noticing something interesting about the pain. I am what you could call accident prone, I have broken so many bones and had so many stitches that I've stopped counting the trips to the hospital. It would probably be easier to list the bones I haven't broken. As I lay in bed I began to realize the places that hurt the most were all the areas of my previous injuries. Broken tailbone, broken ankle, foot, wrist, jaw, fingers, toes, leg, arm, back, ribs... you get the idea. My whole body hurt so badly, because there were weaknesses throughout my whole body that were being highlighted in my weakened state. 

Our emotional weaknesses are the same. In times of stress, anger, hurt, trials or testing our flaws and weakness seem to come to the surface and put up a good fight in trying to claim our attention. Our previous injuries caused by broken trust or broken hearts teach us the way we should respond, and these responses are often times enacted by our subconscious as a way of protecting the weakened area. Why is it that someone who was abused as a child will flinch when a sudden movement is made around them? Or someone who was abandoned experiences issues of trust or self-worth? Our minds, and hearts, create learned responses. Our experiences teach us how to react and protect ourselves against people and situations which we believe will injure us again.

I saw this quote and had to laugh:

How wonderful would it be if we didn't have to experience these emotional injuries of broken hearts, broken trust and broken dreams? But they are a part of this mortal experience we are living in. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit priest, said:

What does this mean for us and our emotional injuries? There are many promises and teachings given to us in the scriptures, beautiful promises that are meant to uplift and sustain us through our trials. In the spirit of being honest, I'd like to admit that there are times when I don't feel uplifted by those promises or teachings.  There are times when the adversary twists them and instead makes me discouraged and defeated. Verses such as;

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep, if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these tings shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

"Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment"

"My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom."

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God"

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said of these "hard doctrines": "the hardness is usually not in their complexity, but in the deep demands these doctrines make on us", and that is the truth, knowing we must pass through these things does not make it easy to do. It is easy for us to talk about these truths and doctrines in theory, but when it comes down to actually applying them in our lives, theory is not enough. Elder Maxwell also said, "Trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for." At the center of ourselves needs to be a core, a foundation of pure truth and desire to submit to our Heavenly Father's will for us. That is another "hard doctrine" being able to truly say to our Father in Heaven, "Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done." In that moment in the Garden of Gethsemane the cup could not be taken from our Savior, but an angel was sent to strengthen Him and help Him accomplish what He had set out to finish. We must know beyond a doubt that our Father in Heaven and Savior love us with a perfect unchanging love and that their work and glory is to bring to pass our immortality and eternal life.

In John 3:16 we are taught "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Just last night as I was reading a talk, this scripture came into my mind in a completely different way. In my times of greatest grief and trial I have often said to myself, where is my Father in Heaven, why has He left me alone in the moment I needed Him most. I allow myself to get angry and to cry out that He must not love me, for if He did, surely He would relieve my pain and suffering. After losing his wife C.S Lewis wrote a book called A Grief Observed. In his masterful writing style he captured the feeling of suffering perfectly. He said,

"Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in your lap. The drill drills on. And grief and suffering still feel like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense."

 In moments like this, the verses I shared earlier feel more like punishments than blessings and I find myself crying out as the apostles did on the sea of Galilee, Master, carest Thou not that I perish? As I read this talk last night, John 3:16 came into my mind in these words, "For God so loved you, Taryn, that he gave his only begotten son, that if you believeth in him you should not perish, but have everlasting life." The words hit me in a way I'd never considered before. How selfish of me to believe I was above the sacrifice our Savior had made or that I was below the gift our Father in Heaven had given all of us. We must believe with every fiber of our being that we are loved by our Father in Heaven. Otherwise, we will not make it through this "human experience".

So why then does it seem when we are struggling the most we often feel abandoned or alone? I don't know the answer for all of us, but I have learned a few things that have helped me.

First: He is the master teacher,

The greatest struggle ever overcome was the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior. While there were times of great strength and support from above, we also learn that for a moment on the cross our Father in Heaven seems to have withdrawn His spirit and support from His son, causing Him to cry out, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani" that is to say "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?". But even in this moment of distress we learn of the abiding trust and faith our Savior had in His Father, for while He felt abandoned and forsaken, He still called out to His Father, believing He was there. We must remember that our Father has promised that He will prepare a way for us to escape temptation and trial, but as President Eyring has taught, it is often by taking us through the trial that we finally escape it. I love this quote by Elder Maxwell and Elder Talmage,

"There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached--a point of aloneness-- when the individual (as did the Savior on a much grander scale) must bear it, as it were, alone. Even the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are in some way forsaken. Those who stand at the foot of the cross often can do so little to help absorb the pain and the anguish. It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete. Elder James E. Talmage said of the Savior at the point of greatest suffering on the cross, 'that the supreme sacrifice of the Son might be consummated in all its fullness, the Father seems to have withdrawn the support of His immediate Presence, leaving to the Savior of men the glory of compete victory over the forces of sin and death."

It is another hard truth to understand, but if we can remember that when we feel we are left alone, it is because the master teacher is remaining quiet while we are taking our test. He has instructed us, helped us, tutored us, stayed with us after class to answer our questions and now He is quietly observing as we put His instruction to practice in our individual exams. He is there, just as the teacher stays in the room while the class is examined. But the time for instruction and guidance is past and He will not rob us of our opportunity to pass or fail this test through our faith and obedience to the teachings He has given us.

Second: Be still and know that He is God

When the waves and storms of life are beating us down, we are commanded to "Be Still". Why is this so important? I know what my moments of grief and distress look like, they are noisy and tumultuous and heavy. I allow fear and doubt to grip my heart and I find that I all I can see are the waves and wind beating down upon me. C.S Lewis said,

"The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just that time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear."

When I read that I pictured the movie titanic, after the ship goes under there are thousands of people in the water scared and cold and trying to survive. One panicked man grabs onto Rose and tries to save himself while pushing her under. When we are making such a commotion and flailing our arms about in fear, the Lord cannot get close to us to save us. Any answer or guidance He could provide in this moment would be pushed under the water by us and would be drowned by our fear and doubts. In Psalms 107: 28-30, we are taught:

"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven."

If we can learn to quiet our souls we will find the Lord will come quickly to aid us, He will not allow us to be destroyed if we trust Him.

The last thing I want to mention are the promises we are given in the scriptures. As I mentioned before, the adversary will come and try to twist these promises so they cannot be the balm of Gilead they were intended to be. However, if we like Nephi can say, "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." We will find our hearts softened to these truths and they will succor us as they are intended to do.

"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

"Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow"

"I have graven thee on the palms of my hands"

"My kindness shall not depart from thee"

"To give unto them beauty for ashes"

There are hundreds if not thousands of promises like these in the scriptures. Turn to them in your times of distress and plead for stillness in your soul to allow yourself to be saved. At the beginning of this post I spoke about the weaknesses in my body, physical and emotional weaknesses that don't heal properly and bother us throughout our lives because we are fallen and human. I testify to you that our Savior's atoning sacrifice can heal perfectly the wounds inflicted in our hearts and that through His Resurrection, the physical weaknesses will also be healed perfectly. He has given us weaknesses that we might humble ourselves before Him. Please remember the promise that His grace is sufficient for all those who will humble themselves before Him, for it is only through Him that our weak things can be made strong.

It takes courage to exercise the faith to allow the Savior to heal up our broken hearts. But He has given His life that He might be able to do just that. Let me repeat that, He has given his life, do we understand that, our Savior could have known through revelation how to take care of us and how to help us, but He chose to suffer according to the flesh, because we, His brothers and sisters, are experiencing these things in the flesh and He desired to be able to succor us according to the flesh (may I suggest studying the word succor at some point, it is beautiful to understand the meaning behind that word). Once on a plane trip to California I happened upon an article that described the atonement in a way that resonated with me. The writer said that keeping our burdens in our hearts when the Savior has asked us to give them to Him is equivalent to riding on a train while carrying our luggage on our heads. It doesn't lessen the burden the train is carrying, it just robs us of our strength.  I'd like to close with this quote from Elder Holland,

“I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands."

As we cry out to Him, may we do so with perfect confidence that He will be there always, whether observing us in our exam, or running to us in our storms. In the name of Him who gave His life that we may live, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen