The Many Sides of a Quarter

As I sit here looking at this blank page, I feel overwhelmed by what I've felt impressed to write about today. I don't know where to start or how the words will come, but I said a prayer that my mind will be filled with the words adequate to the subject.

I felt the impression to discuss this yesterday when I came across a journal entry from an author who inspired my love of writing. If I may, I'd like to share it with you.

"What is in the air?"

"I sit pondering the magnitude of what is ahead. What lies in store for me? Why am I here? A faint heaviness hangs in the air this morning. Is it the cool fall air or something more profound? It is difficult to feel alone in a place like this. Beauty and sacredness surround me, I feel somehow enveloped by some unseen force. But what do I do now? How do I proceed? How can I after what has happened?

Truly I am a man of flesh and bones. So easily does my natural man persuade me into action. I know there is something more, something higher and more ancient that lies somewhere deep inside my being. I know it is there. It is impossible to deny its presence, for it and this carnal, sensual, and devilish body of mine are constantly struggling for control.

In the world of men, wars are fought with swords, guns, tanks and end in bloodshed. This war that is going on inside me is no different. The weapons, no less hurtful, the consequences even more profound. If I lose this war, I lose everything. There has never been so much at stake. The consequences are eternal.

So I cry out, Oh Lord, wilt thou save me from torment? Wilt thou continue to allow me to suffer? If yes, then to what end? How can I look at something so painful as a blessing? Wilt thou be my rock Lord? I feel my world washing from beneath my feet. I need thee to steady my stance, for I am feeble and ready to fall. Take my hand Lord! Or is it me who should do the taking? Can it be thine hand has been over me always? What must I do Lord? Whatever it is, I can't do it alone. May my feet find solid ground, my mind and soul rest from toil, and my soul be lifted up and clothed with eternal life is my prayer. Forever will I raise it to the heavens."

Before I say more about this entry I'd like to tell you about the author. He was a happy, intelligent bright eyed boy who saw a world full of wonder and beauty. He loved his parents and brothers and sisters. He saw the good in every situation. He was kind, compassionate, handsome, strong and a joy to be around. He lifted the spirits of everyone he met. His heart was truly always seeking to lift up the hands that hung low. He loved farming and the outdoors. He was proud of his ancestors and his heritage. He had a firm testimony of the gospel and was unashamed in bearing his witness. He was an example and influence in the lives of those who had the privilege to know him. His life was also colored with dark times. When he was quite young he was sexually abused at the hands of a trusted babysitter. In his own words he described the struggle that followed as such, "I always felt I had done something wrong, that I was less than because I had allowed this to happen to me. I was also confused. Why had a man done this to me? Weren't boys and girls supposed to be together in that way? This confusion led me to a curiosity which eventually led to a pornography addiction. A struggle with same-sex attraction, I didn't know I had, emerged and I become involved with same-gender relationships. One day I decided I wasn't going to fight it anymore and I quit." This young man was excommunicated from the church, a place where he didn't feel he had a place anymore, and had several relationships before deciding one day to end his life.

This young man is my brother, Devin. My brother was one of the strongest people I've ever met. His life was not easy, but the happy young man I described above was him as well. My world was shaken the day he took his life. At his funeral, my Aunt spoke about a quarter, how there were two sides and 119 ridges on the edges. Each of us decides what side we will show to people and, in turn, we decide what side we will see of those we meet.

Here is where I pray my words will not be my own anymore. The church has come under condemnation in recent years for our firm stance in believing that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children." Yes, we believe that with every fiber and conviction of our faith. I believe that with my whole being, especially after watching the struggle my brother had to face. I have been told countless times that my brother would not have had the struggle if the church would have been more accepting of him. If I, as his sister, would have been more accepting of him. I have never understood this opinion. The church will never turn their back on anyone just as the Savior would never turn His back on anyone. I couldn't have loved my brother anymore than I do. I love him unconditionally. What we are actually being told is that because we have a different opinion on his choices that it must be impossible to still accept the individual. Our identities as children of God never change, the worth of our souls never changes, regardless of our choices.

I cannot count the number of times my brother would lay his head in my lap and sob. At times there were no words left to express the grief he felt. I wanted to include his own words above because they paint a crystal clear picture of how he felt. He knew that this struggle was not part of his soul, the eternal being he is. He knew that it was a struggle to endure in this natural form. Towards the end, he tried to convince himself that is how God created him and he just needed to embrace that fact. But his soul was never easy. He knew there was not truth in that statement. Let me share a poem he wrote a few weeks before his death.

"Darkness"

"Been spending so much time underground,

I guess my eyes adjusted to the lack of light.

I got covered in darkness, 

covered in darkness.

Hibernating, always waiting for something new,

Happiness always ending.

In the blink of an eye, there was no one attending,

no one attending.

It doesn't really matter where it all began,

All I know got covered in darkness,

Covered in darkness.

Ever wonder why I never truly connected although my eyes are open?

I can hold your gaze, but I am never connected.

Never connected.

I am famous for my generosity, 

They say I am the kindest.

It is easier to give than receive love.

Give than receive love.

It doesn't really matter where it all began.

All I know,

I was covered in darkness.

Covered in darkness.

Turning pages over

Run away to nowhere.

and it's hard to take control 

when your enemy is old and afraid of you.

You discover that the monster you were running from 

is the monster in you.

Better to hold on to love

Better to hold on to love.

Change will come."

As members of the church, we don't have the answers to why things happen or why we must face the things we do. I shudder when I hear people say flippantly, "that lifestyle is a choice". Yes, I do believe actively living that lifestyle is a choice, we all have our agency, it is that agency that the war in heaven was fought over. But please remember that you and I do not have the right or authority to condemn another persons life. You have no idea the struggle that takes place in the mind and heart of an individual, you have no idea the circumstances that led up to the choice that was made. Even if you have seen both sides and all 119 ridges of that quarter, only our Savior and our Father in Heaven know every element that makes up the center. We must stand firm in our faith and what we believe. We believe and declare that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. But that does not give us the right to treat anyone as less than a son or daughter of God. 

Last year I wrote a blog post called we are all in this together, if you have a chance, please read it. We have got to stop allowing Satan to make us focus on our differences and start working together. I have been told I didn't know my brother. That I couldn't possibly love him because I support ideas that were contrary to the life he chose to live. I testify that it is possibly to love someone completely and unconditionally and not agree with the choices they make. I couldn't have loved my brother any more than I do if his life had been different. I love him completely. Just as our Father in Heaven does. 

Stand firm in what you know to be true. But show respect and love for the opinions of others. Do not belittle someone who makes choices contrary to what you believe. Instead, see it as an opportunity to seek further understanding. Listening to an opposing opinion doesn't mean you are betraying what you believe. Showing love for someone who is making choices you don't agree with doesn't mean you have to support those choices. It shows you understand what it means to love as Christ does. 

I pray these words will stand as a witness that I know if we will stand firm in our beliefs and open our hearts to love as our Savior does we will find doors open to deeper understanding of the gospel and the character of our Father in Heaven. All of us have struggles, all of us have burdens we carry. We need to keep the covenants we made at baptism to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. As we do this, we will be blessed with eyes to see as our Savior does. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.