First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage......

I have put off writing this post for a really long time, although this topic is shaded in every lesson I have learned over the last eight years. With Mother's Day approaching fast, and my heart seeking out it's annual migration to some far off corner of myself where it can pretend it's not getting hurt, I thought maybe getting these thoughts out of my head might help in some way. I have been asked so many times how I deal with this specific struggle. I wanted to write a post similar to the talk I gave a few years ago on Mother's Day, but I felt instead to be open and honest in how it feels. I'd also like to invite you to walk through how I try to change the hurt into faith and how I honestly seek to stand still and allow the Lord to refine me. I'm not looking for sympathy or praise, on the contrary, I want to offer you encouragement. All of us are struggling, and while the struggle looks different for each of us, you'll see below that the words we would use to describe them can be universal. I want to show you that it is possible to find peace in the midst of any storm tossed sea.

Many of you know my husband and I have struggled with infertility for 8 years now, essentially our entire married lives. I'll start out by answering all the questions about things we've tried or thought about with, yes, we've done it, tried it, thought about it or been told through the Spirit not to try or do it. I can't count the number of people who have told us the miracle story of someone they know who decided to adopt and got pregnant or just "stopped trying" and the next month found out they were having twins. It's extremely painful to never be that story. The emotional roller coaster is not anything I would wish on my worst enemy. It's incredible how many times your heart can shatter and still continue to function.

This struggle has created an interesting dynamic in my life. People who care about me and want to help end up in a catch-22, because anything they say has the potential to hurt me. Depending on the day and my attitude someone "trying to be helpful" could become the recipient of eight years of pain and hurt flung at them with incredible force, (I am truly truly sorry if you have ever been on the receiving end of one of these days).  When we first got married people would tell us, "wait to have kids", "you're young, you have plenty of time for that".  Our parents would tease us, "when are you going to give us grandchildren?"  When we started struggling, it was still okay, "You're still so young, there is plenty of time". Eight years later, those comments have stopped. Pregnancy announcements are offered privately to us before the rest of the family so I'm not caught off-guard, which I appreciate. It's nice to have time to make sure you can react and respond the way you want to.

I read a blog post this past week called ten words that describe infertility. It made me start thinking what words I would use to describe it. This is what I've come up with.

Broken:
It's difficult not to feel damaged or less than others when your body does not work the way it should. It's hard not to be ashamed or feel like you've let your spouse down when you realize if he was married to someone else he could be a father. It's heartbreaking to watch him with other kids and nieces and nephews and realize you aren't able to fulfill that dream for him or yourself. It's hard to watch the babies come into the lives of others and wonder if the ache you feel inside is ever going to be lifted.

Unworthy:
"I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to send this sweet baby to us." I've heard that spoken so many times. Each time a mix of emotion sweeps through me. First, I agree and I look at the person speaking it and think how grateful I am that they don't have to go through the opposite. On the other hand, it opens the door for the adversary to suggest that it must mean I am not trustworthy. That Heavenly Father won't send me a child because He thinks I won't be able to raise them. That I wouldn't do a good job. That I'm unworthy of that blessing. That He doesn't trust me as a mother.

Misfit:
It is hard to be different. We all want to fit into the group and not have attention drawn to us. It's hard to sit in Relief Society and have a lesson about motherhood and feel that everyone would laugh and whisper if you made a comment because you don't understand what it's like to be a mother. I've had that said to me before many times. "You don't understand because you aren't a mother." It's a struggle to go to girl's night because the conversation will turn to something I can't understand or participate in. You end up feeling like you have nothing to offer those around you because you haven't graduated into the stage of life they are. You feel less respected and unimportant.

Abandoned: 
This is actually my husband's description, but I wanted to add it as well. It goes along with unworthy. He said it feels like Heavenly Father has given up on you. That one of His primary objectives in sending His children down to earth has been taken away from you or withheld from you. You see others being granted that blessing and being upset and angry for it and you can't help but wonder what you have done that is so wrong that the greatest desire of your heart is withheld.

Unfortunately, I could go on and on and on. But we will use these examples to start with. I think in the gospel we are afraid to admit that we are struggling with one thing or another. But if we don't acknowledge our struggles, we can't take them to the Lord for strength. This struggle of infertility is noticeable, I can't really keep it hidden in my heart and so, like I mentioned, I do my best to counteract all the hurt with faith and the heartache with truth. Let me show you how I do it.

Broken:
In the guide to the scriptures broken hearted is described as, " to be humble, contrite, repentant, and meek—that is, receptive to the will of God." What a blessing in my life to have the chance to be broken down. To feel like my heart is in pieces. It makes it easier to put those things in a box and hand them to the Lord. So that when He mends my heart and gives it back, He will have been able to easily remove the pieces of myself that shouldn't be there. In order to repent we need a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Our struggles squeeze the artificiality out of us and leave only what is required to return to our Father in Heaven. A desire and capacity to submit to, and do His will for us.

Unworthy:
"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your soul, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel."
 It is important for us to remember our own nothingness before God. Not so we can be unkind to ourselves, but so that our minds can be filled with wonder at the goodness of our Father who created this earth for us. He who gave us our bodies and the opportunity to come here and seek to learn His ways so that we many return to live with Him again. To believe that my Heavenly Father would punish me when I am striving to do my best to do His will is contrary to His character and He will never act contrary to His character. We must truly believe that all things will work together for our good if we are doing the things we should. Then we will feel confident placing our lives in the watch-care of our Father and Savior.

Misfit:
It only takes a casual stroll through the scriptures to find that we are not alone in our struggles. Even in our wards and communities there are struggles in the hearts of those around us we couldn't possibly imagine. Each of us was sent here with purpose and all of us belong with Heavenly Father. There is no island of misfit toys as far as He is concerned. Each of us has a place with Him, this has to be the most important aspect of our lives or else we will spend a lot of time saying we have been robbed when our life direction doesn't take us on the route we mapped out for ourselves.

Abandoned:
Our Father in Heaven will never turn His back on us or abandon us. Neither will our Savior. Listen to these beautiful words. "But Zion said, The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me. Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?  Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."

Think about that "I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands". Our Savior gave his life for us. He has the scars on His palms continually as tokens that He will not forget us. He can't. His whole purpose was to participate with our Father in our Salvation. What is the worth of your soul? It was worth the sacrifice of the Only Begotten of the Father. He who was perfect, full of grace and truth and compassion. He calls to us with out-stretched hands. Come unto me. Draw near unto me. We will never be forsaken or abandoned.

This life is the time for us to prepare to stand before God. To be judged of our works, whether they be good or evil. It is the time for us to put off the natural man and become saints. Our Father in heaven has no veil over His eyes clouding His remembrance of who we are. Each of us is given a cross to bear, we must take up that cross and stumble and struggle after the example of our Savior. But we have the promise of help. I testify the enabling power of the Atonement is a real power which can be exercised in your life. It is the grace we are promised to be able do the things we have been asked to accomplish. I testify that no blessing will be withheld from our Father in Heaven's faithful children. I testify that the peace which passes understand can flood into your life and protect and guard your heart and mind with the truth of the gospel.

This life is not easy and it wasn't intended to be. It is a refining fire intended to purify us for the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. There will be times when we look to Heavenly Father with tears in our eyes and cry out that we are being burned. But I testify He is there, ever watchful and mindful of us. I testify our Savior will come into that fire with us to offer comfort, encouragement and to bind up our broken hearts.

To whoever reads this, let me leave my testimony with you. I know our Savior lives. I know that the power of His Atonement will sweep over your life and bind up wounds you never thought could be healed, and when the hurts are reopened, He will come in again. I know that it is in living the gospel, not just knowing what you should do, that strength, peace, and hope come into your life. Faith will not grow without planting the seed and nourishing it. I know that when we sit down in exhaustion on the side of the straight and narrow path our Heavenly Father, Savior and the Holy Ghost will sit down next to us until we can keep going, as long as we continue to call on them. I testify these things are true. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior, Amen.

All my love,
~Taryn