Love Always, Your Little Sister

It's been eight years since I've seen you smile. Eight years since I've heard you laugh. Eight years since you wiped away my tears or encouraged me through my day. It's been eight years since my heart was shattered and put back together missing the piece you took to heaven with you.

It's been eight years since the pain and struggle you felt finally reached it's apex. Eight years since I received the phone call telling me you were gone. Most children learn to count to eight before they go to school, but counting to eight today seemed like the hardest equation to solve. An equation I still don't have the answer to.


I spend a lot of time wishing you were back here on earth with me. I think of how much I miss you and how I wish I could share my life with you. And then I remember the pain you lived with each day, the struggle of your identity that tore you apart, and my wishing is sobered. I spend a lot of time reading your poems and thoughts. Today in particular your entry "what is in the air" has resonated with me.

 

"What is in the air?"

By Devin Day

"I sit pondering the magnitude of what is ahead. What lies in store for me? Why am I here? A faint heaviness hangs in the air this morning. Is it the cool fall air or something more profound? It is difficult to feel alone in a place like this. Beauty and sacredness surround me, I feel somehow enveloped by some unseen force. But what do I do now? How do I proceed? How can I after what has happened?

Truly I am a man of flesh and bones. So easily does my natural man persuade me into action. I know there is something more, something higher and more ancient that lies somewhere deep inside my being. I know it is there. It is impossible to deny its presence, for it and this carnal, sensual, and devilish body of mine are constantly struggling for control.

In the world of men, wars are fought with swords, guns, tanks and end in bloodshed. This war that is going on inside me is no different. The weapons, no less hurtful, the consequences even more profound. If I lose this war, I lose everything. There has never been so much at stake. The consequences are eternal.

So I cry out, Oh Lord, wilt thou save me from torment? Wilt thou continue to allow me to suffer? If yes, then to what end? How can I look at something so painful as a blessing? Wilt thou be my rock Lord? I feel my world washing from beneath my feet. I need thee to steady my stance, for I am feeble and ready to fall. Take my hand Lord! Or is it me who should do the taking? Can it be thine hand has been over me always? What must I do Lord? Whatever it is, I can't do it alone. May my feet find solid ground, my mind and soul rest from toil, and my soul be lifted up and clothed with eternal life is my prayer. Forever will I raise it to the heavens."

 

I wish I would have told you while you were still here how much your faith and testimony saved my life. I remember when I was a "know-it-all" teenager, making decisions that would take me down a path I didn't want to go, and you spent all night up with me showing me with love where I was heading. I remember spending late nights in the barn milking cows as we tried to understand why Heavenly Father wouldn't change the struggles you were facing. I remember the letters you wrote me on your mission, full of testimony and love. Never judging me for my stubborn, way-ward ways. I remember the notes in my locker at school, encouraging me, helping me, lifting me through the challenges I faced. I remember the nights we spent crying with each other over hurts and heartaches we couldn't change.

 

When you died, I tried to take everything I knew about you, everything we had discussed and lived through, and make it all lead to the decision you made to take your life. But I don't think the equations of life and love work that way. You could bear your testimony to me while at the same time not understanding the pain and heartache you were facing. You could love me and accept my love even when we disagreed. So many people have told me I didn't love you because we disagreed, but we had the most loving discussions (and the most interesting) I've ever experienced. You were my best friend Devin. When you died I felt like I lost a part of my identity. I have been so angry with you for leaving. But only in those moments when I forget how hard this life was for you. 

 

I never told you how amazing you were in your kindness and compassion. You could light up a room just by entering it. I never told you how you made me a better person. I never told you how you lit the way for me to find my testimony and the strength to stand up for what I believe. I never told you how much I admired the way you carried yourself. I never told you how much you mean to me. I miss laughing with you and crying with you and rejoicing with you and learning with you. I miss being your little sister and being taken care of by you. I miss your wisdom and devotion and love.

 

I miss you. 

 

Love always, Your little sister